Something changed. You feel...off. You stop all tasks, all passion, and you're locked inside your head. What was your trigger? What caused you to stop everything you were doing? What made you change? Why do you no longer have the passion you once had? Well? This was me for the past month and a half, and still is.
I haven't updated the website in a while. I haven't written my blog in over a month. I haven't updated Society6. I stopped creating art. My passion for the Lucids took a turn, because my motivation was shot. It wasn't fair to Cassandra, Anthony, and Alex to continue their story, when the author couldn't find a way to write what should be written. So, what happened? I received some news that broke me. Because of the sensitive nature, I will not reveal the details, but know that I am alright.
There were days I sat at my computer about to write, when something clicked, and I could no longer bring myself to write the Lucids' scenes. I would head to my room and start watching TV, locked in my head. My attitude changed, and it seemed like I didn't care about anyone, let alone care about myself. I felt alone. I couldn't speak to anyone about how I felt about this news, because I already knew what they would say. However, there are some things I had to discover about myself, so I could push through the feeling of being locked inside my head, although I'm still struggling.
Slowly, once I started telling myself I had to push through (it was more words than this, of course), I was able to finish chapter 1 in the next book, Hierarchy Within Chaos. I have to take my tasks one at a time, and scale back some of the projects I had.
What was the trigger I encountered?
The news I encountered was heartbreaking and debilitating, from all fronts. The feeling of worthlessness was too strong, and my "why" was broken. I was utterly alone, no one on my side, and I could tell no one why I felt what I felt. Some of the self-conversations I had were more hurtful than the news, because what I told myself was true. Awful, isn't it.
As I stated before, I would sit at my computer and stare at the screen. Nothing was coming to me. I would switch between writing the book and writing a new project, because maybe that was the issue. Nope. I became an expert on staring at empty computer screens, and it was debilitating me. I trudged to my bedroom and started binge watching Friends. At least I was able to laugh, even if it was to jokes, I've heard umpteen times before. I wish things didn't hit me like they do, but I had to understand I had to find a way to be strong for myself.
What was ironic was the first chapter in the next book. Cassandra is alone because (SPOILER ALERT!) she lost Anthony and Alex. Anthony left her in the last chapter in "Nightmares" and Alex left for college in the beginning of the next book, "Hierarchy." She has to discover things about herself, alone. I'm Cassandra, in a way. There are things I have to discover about myself, alone.
How is it going now?
I'm doing a lot better now, but I still can't talk about how I feel to anyone. Everyone is battling their own battles. It is not fair to unleash how I feel, and it's my own battles I need to face alone. If it causes me to be locked in my head, then so be it. One thing I learned, when I went through therapy, was to identify the feelings I feel, and acknowledge why I feel what I feel. I was told to keep a journal, but let's be honest. I'm terrible at journaling. Instead, all of the feelings need to flourish through Cassandra.
As for the circumstances around the news. It hurts, but I'll be alright. Everyone receives bad news, and I'm no different. It's how I handle the news that makes the difference. My attitude has changed, my thought processes have changed, and my goals have changed. I don't know what this year will bring, but so far it has been complete crap. It started negatively, and I wish I could see it getting better. Maybe it will, but who knows.
What's the plan?
The Society6 storefront will be updated, but as of now, I cannot give a date as to when. I was pushing for this week, but I might need the time to recollect. There is a brand-new idea I have with the store, and I hope it will be benefitting to you. I'll have to experiment with it but know there will be more artwork to choose from.
Twitter is the behemoth issue. There is a level of toxicity that is hard to comprehend, and the cliques are abhorrent. It's like being in high school all over again, and I left high school long ago. If you aren't a part of these cliques, you're pretty much blacklisted, and no one responds to your tweets, regardless of the algorithms. I'm debating on closing down Twitter, for the interim. If I do, I'll make sure people are directed to my Facebook page.
In future months, you'll start to see more activity on my Facebook page. I feel like the bigger audience will be there, tied into Instagram. I feel more balanced on Facebook than other social media sites, so I'll make sure I'm on there more often. Videos will be coming back, but there is another anxiety disorder I have to fight in order to do this part.
On the website, my goal is to try to keep up with the "Art Of The Month" section, which means I will need to continue to develop my art through AI. This will be a challenge, but hopefully I'll be able to develop more pieces soon.
Because of the delay, the next book in the Awakened Lucids Series and the Lucid Universe Series will be pushed back to December. If I finish early, then that's fine. However, it would be a disservice if I released subpar literature. These changes will be reflected on the website within the next few weeks. I'm ok with this delay, and I hope you are, as well.
I hope this gives a bit of a window into what was going on this year, so far. I know the details behind the news are vague, but this is how it will be. To relinquish any personal "dirt" is not in me, so get used to the vagueness. Please know that I value each and every one of you, and I will not let you down, even though I have let myself down. Please share this post, and know that you are not alone, if you're dealing with any type of mental health issue, or you have a loved one that is fighting.
If you or a loved one is dealing with suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255.
Comments